Saturday 16 August 2008

My reflections part 1: Fighting for my life

So they say that misery loves company. The news of Dele’s ‘new girlfriend’ has cost me so much sleep. I lay awake, my mind running and racing, my thoughts straying to the promises we made to each other and the last time I saw him. How we danced without any music and he whispered in my ears that this was for ever. How we kissed for hours never wanting to stop even to breathe. So I lay in bed with these thoughts torturing me over and over again. Sleep eluding me, my mind on over drive and my body longing for him.

Finally I realise that sleep will not come. So I decide at 2am to find some distraction on MSN. I find two of my long term male friends. They too can’t sleep and are searching for distractions. The first has just lost his mother (his best friend) and the second’s girlfriend had just broken up their engagement. We chat about loosing loved ones, the difficulty in finding ‘the one’, and a host of other sad drama.

Still sleep does not come. Its 4am. I decide music may help to ease the tension welling up in my chest. I am wrong. I search endlessly for a song to ease this pain. There is none. I search again for a song that my accurately describe what I feel. Again my search does not yield any accurate results. All lyrics are filled with empty words, words lacking in feeling, words lacking in depth yet filled with clichés of love lost. This is not what I need. And finally I remember a Kirk Franklin album I’d been downloading a while ago. THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE.

It is here that my soul finds its answers. It is in this album I realise that I am literally fighting for my life. You see there are many things that have plagued me this year. My health, my relationship, my studies, my mother, my finances and my future. Never has the saying ‘life is not a bed of roses’ held such meaning. I listen to Declaration (this is), the first track on Kirk’s album. The second verse echos in my head….

“I look back now, I look at how you tried to break me
To take my life, my peace of mind and drive me crazy
My self esteem, my dreams, my destiny
So, God allowed it, because He knew He had big plans for me”


and then Kirk declares…

“I speak against everything that comes to destroy the purpose in your life
Worrying about your finances, your future, when you can't even sleep at night
I speak against depression and fear, every attack from the enemy
This is your day, the Lord made it baby! God has set you free!”


I begin to cry…….i feel weak, lost, beaten and forsaken. I realise that I’m not the only one lost in this thing called life. Its hard but no one told me it would be easy. I remember that God had warned me about this time. I remember how I would dream about my room being on fire, how I would dream about a mighty flood but in both circumstances I escape unharmed. I remember how I dreamt about being in a plane which was about to crash….but didn’t. I know this is my breaking process, I know I have to be patient, I know …but I’m in pain and impatient. I can’t take this anymore, the hurt, the loneliness, the disappointments. I have lost my purpose and self esteem, I have lost my will to fight, i am like a wounded lieutenant, lost and trapped on enemy territory. And with these thoughts…….i awake the next morning……

To be continued….

11 comments:

Chari said...

wow...couldnt u have done without having us like this? oooo...

Chari said...

seriously now...I am glad for one thing for you above all else...I am glad you're on the path to recovery...just keep trudging on dear...I'll be one of the peeps on the sidelines cheering you on....

and in case u didn't know...on ma blog its two peeps that put posts up...so u read ma best friends posts

Hunter girl said...

awww Chari u really are the sweetest...what can a girl do but recover!!! Like they say when u hit rock bottom the only way is up!!!....yeah....i know u n butter cup have the same blog....its real cool....

Chari said...

*blushes*
gee thanx...am surprised and impressed that u figured out about the distinction of our blog...

Re: ur comment on ma blog
am not a babe o! babe ke...at all o....lol...I ono how I understand...or it might be because we humans never experience situations far from each other...

Mz. Dee said...

sweety i think u shud also listen to Leona Lewis's Better in time and Best You Never Had.

It helped me a lot wen i was goin thru major pains awhile back...

and u'll be fine.. chari's said most of wat I wuda said.. nice blog u hv here. Welcome to blogville!

Buttercup said...

awwwww hon...i've come to realise that life wudn't be life without hardships, disappointments n what not..it takes the grace of God to overcome every hurdle, so now im prayin that the grace of God comes ur way, to help u get thru this unscathed, amen...

u'll be fine, its just a passin phase, it cant last forever, not possible!

mwah!

SMSL said...

You will be ok, and you will look back at this period and laugh. Just try and be positive.

p.s - i left comments on almost all ur posts, cldn't really help it, just felt i had to say something considering the fact that we have similar experiences but i guess its the same stuff happening to women of a certain age all over the world.

Unknown said...

"Nobody told me that the road will not be easy..."

But you have come so far and even if everyone else gives up on you, you can't give up on yourself.

I have been there girl friend and I know how it feels. People can only hurt your feelings but you have a choice either to remain broken or to move ahead. You have to prove him wrong!It isn't a crime to weep and let out your watery pains. Tears can be therapeutic but don't start a flood!

There is a silver lining somewhere behind those dark clouds! Look beyond the clouds...

Hi.

Anonymous said...

babe u were on a roll before u cant start losing steam now!

badderchic said...

"May your road be rough" Tai Solarin

because sweets if it was all groovy, how then would we truly appreciate the good times?

Buttercup said...

where r u???? u ok?