He has made everything beautiful in its time......

Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time.

This is a commonly read bible passage. One that is usually read at funerals or during hard times of life. So today I read it again with difficulty, not because I have lost a loved one but because I’m wondering about my life and its various seasons. You see I started this year with high hopes. I fasted and prayed with the rest of the world as we entered the New Year. I was convinced that this would be my year of completion. I was expectant, happy, hopeful and filled with exuberance. At the beginning of the year, I asked God for three principal requests; The first was for the successful completion of my Studies, the second was for a successful marriage to my long term boyfriend and the third was for healing of a long term health predicament (not life threatening).

So here I am on the 9th of August 2008 and I seem further away from any of these goals than I did at the beginning of the year. By February my ailment had gotten so bad that I had to take a months sick leave from work and university. My parents and all the members of my family were worried about the consequences this would have on my studies. I turned to God and cried out ‘My Lord and my God, were are you’. It was a difficult period. But without doubt God saw me through and I slowly regained my health. By March however cracks in my once rock solid relationship began to surface. Again I cried out to the Lord in fasting and prayer. But by early April my relationship was over. I was devastated. For over two months I was comatose. I cried so much that at one point I though my insides would rupture. I became depressed and suicidal. I literally lost the will to live. How could God punish me like this? I became certain that my past sins had caught up with me. This was my repercussion for all my past errors. This was my cross. I began eating like a fool. I gained over a stone in one month alone. But I didn’t care. I couldn’t read, I couldn’t think and worse still I couldn’t pray. The only time I had peace was when I was asleep. So I began sleeping even more. I continued on this downward spiral until late in May when my faith in Gods ability to help me began to slowly resurface. My university supervisor also became extremely worried and advised that I see a counselor.

Both these events and many others have led to a continued detoriation in my ability to concentrate on my university work. It’s a struggle to even open a book, yet alone write my dissertation.

So by July all of my hopes and dreams were non existent. My once excited and hope filled attitude towards life has now been replaced with self doubt, depression and trepidation. As I said to my mum earlier on this month, so far , this has been the worst year of my life. Don’t get me wrong, in all of this I can see Gods faithfulness. For one, I am still very much alive. My parents are alive and well. And for that I am extremely grateful to God and cannot stop thanking Him. I know others may have had more significant setbacks, but I cannot help but feel that my world as collapsed on my shoulders, literally.

So does the answer to my problems lie in this passage? Is this my time to weep, my time of war, my time to mourn? Does God really have plans to prosper me and not to harm me? How can I believe in this when everything I prayed for remains not only unanswered but also seemingly unachievable? Where and how can I find my faith again?

Did He not say that He will not give me stone when I asked for bread? (big sigh)…… Okay while it seems wrong to ‘question the Almighty’, these are questions I have asked myself over and over again. I cannot help but feel this way….and so I have to ask these questions But when will my time come? When will my time to be happy, my time to laugh and my time for peace arrive? Verse 11 says all things are beautiful in its time….so my Lord, when will my own beautiful time of favour, peace, joy and happiness come???