So they say that misery loves company. The news of Dele’s ‘new girlfriend’ has cost me so much sleep. I lay awake, my mind running and racing, my thoughts straying to the promises we made to each other and the last time I saw him. How we danced without any music and he whispered in my ears that this was for ever. How we kissed for hours never wanting to stop even to breathe. So I lay in bed with these thoughts torturing me over and over again. Sleep eluding me, my mind on over drive and my body longing for him.
Finally I realise that sleep will not come. So I decide at 2am to find some distraction on MSN. I find two of my long term male friends. They too can’t sleep and are searching for distractions. The first has just lost his mother (his best friend) and the second’s girlfriend had just broken up their engagement. We chat about loosing loved ones, the difficulty in finding ‘the one’, and a host of other sad drama.
Still sleep does not come. Its 4am. I decide music may help to ease the tension welling up in my chest. I am wrong. I search endlessly for a song to ease this pain. There is none. I search again for a song that my accurately describe what I feel. Again my search does not yield any accurate results. All lyrics are filled with empty words, words lacking in feeling, words lacking in depth yet filled with clichés of love lost. This is not what I need. And finally I remember a Kirk Franklin album I’d been downloading a while ago. THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE.
It is here that my soul finds its answers. It is in this album I realise that I am literally fighting for my life. You see there are many things that have plagued me this year. My health, my relationship, my studies, my mother, my finances and my future. Never has the saying ‘life is not a bed of roses’ held such meaning. I listen to Declaration (this is), the first track on Kirk’s album. The second verse echos in my head….
“I look back now, I look at how you tried to break me
To take my life, my peace of mind and drive me crazy
My self esteem, my dreams, my destiny
So, God allowed it, because He knew He had big plans for me”
and then Kirk declares…
“I speak against everything that comes to destroy the purpose in your life
Worrying about your finances, your future, when you can't even sleep at night
I speak against depression and fear, every attack from the enemy
This is your day, the Lord made it baby! God has set you free!”
I begin to cry…….i feel weak, lost, beaten and forsaken. I realise that I’m not the only one lost in this thing called life. Its hard but no one told me it would be easy. I remember that God had warned me about this time. I remember how I would dream about my room being on fire, how I would dream about a mighty flood but in both circumstances I escape unharmed. I remember how I dreamt about being in a plane which was about to crash….but didn’t. I know this is my breaking process, I know I have to be patient, I know …but I’m in pain and impatient. I can’t take this anymore, the hurt, the loneliness, the disappointments. I have lost my purpose and self esteem, I have lost my will to fight, i am like a wounded lieutenant, lost and trapped on enemy territory. And with these thoughts…….i awake the next morning……
To be continued….
Saturday 16 August 2008
Wednesday 13 August 2008
Tears and more tears
So I learnt today that my ex (Dele) has a girlfriend. Never has a wound cut so deep. I cried so much. Why is life so unfair? Why does God remain silent in my case? The fact that we broke up in April after almost five years and before August he has found someone new. While I am still here licking my wounds. Now all that I prayed for, all that I longed for is in the arms of another. Kia, this hurts me soooo much. I cant even be botherd to write this out well. I spoke to my mother and she was telling me how I should pray…but I cant. God has continued to ignore me. He has continued to remain blind when it comes to me. I know my sins are many, but the silence has become too much. I have prayed, I have fasted, I have done all that I know I should do, yet my situation remains the same.
How can Dele so quickly replace me? How? After all the struggles together, now someone else will reap were I have sown patiently. Now I am forced to start over. My hands are wet from cleaning my tears. I have cried so much this year, too much. I am fed up. Will this wound ever heal? Can someone please tell me what I can do to stop this pain?
How can Dele so quickly replace me? How? After all the struggles together, now someone else will reap were I have sown patiently. Now I am forced to start over. My hands are wet from cleaning my tears. I have cried so much this year, too much. I am fed up. Will this wound ever heal? Can someone please tell me what I can do to stop this pain?
Saturday 9 August 2008
Comedian Bernie Mac dies at 50......
OK, i know this is my second blog of the day but this is serious....
Bernie Mac "Actor/comedian Bernie Mac passed away this morning from complications due to pneumonia in a Chicago area hospital," his publicist, Danica Smith, said in a statement from Los Angeles."
The comedian suffered from sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease that produces tiny lumps of cells in the body's organs, but had said the condition went into remission in 2005. He recently was hospitalized and treated for pneumonia, which his publicist said was not related to the disease.
Mac was born Bernard Jeffrey McCullough on Oct. 5, 1957, in Chicago. He grew up on the city's South Side, living with his mother and grandparents. His grandfather was the deacon of a Baptist church.
He worked his way to Hollywood success from an impoverished upbringing on Chicago's South Side. He began doing standup as a child, and his film career started with a small role as a club doorman in the Damon Wayans comedy "Mo' Money" in 1992. In 1996, he appeared in the Spike Lee drama "Get on the Bus."
He also appeared in hollywood blockbuster Oceans eleven, Guess who, Bad Santa, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle and Transformers not to mention his highly sucessful comedy show the Bernie Mac show.
Adieu Bernie. RIP.....May God grant his family, peace and grace to bear this loss.
Fornicator or adulterer….the married man syndrome
Hi bloggers….hope ur having a good start to the weekend? Anyway I heard some jist yesterday and I thought to share….
I had a long chat with a close friend yesterday (who we shall call Kemi), and after confiding in her about the mess I’m in with my Ex (Greg) (se blog below for details)she opened up to me about some of her ‘mistakes’. You see, Kemi works for a global investment firm and had recently attended an investors meeting in a foreign country. As part of the meetings proceedings, the investors had arranged a series of events to keep their guests entertained in the evenings. One of which included a night time boat trip and a meal under the stars. This was the beginning of Kemi’s impending downfall.
As a true Nigerian female, Kemi was dressed to kill. She informed me that she spared no expense on the new clothes bought to attend this meeting. According to her ‘Val, you never know where your luck will fall’! Oh yes, and believe me it fell….but perhaps not where she had hopped it would. Maybe I should take sometime now to describe my dear friend Kemi. She is a lovely person and has one of the most amazing smiles I know. Easy going but extremely head strong. I suspect this is one of the qualities responsible for her successful career. Kemi is also someone you would describe as being easy on the eye. As a fair skinned girl with immaculate skin and the eyes of a seductress, she is a head turner in everyway. Despite these fine qualities, Kemi is one of the most unluckiest girls I know. She has a knack for dating the worst men on earth. Her past boyfriends range from cheats and physical abusers, to losers and mamas boys.
So back to the story. She claims that she arrives the boat venue late but looking fantastic (a common Nigerian trait). Luckily, she is not the only one who has arrived late and the boat is still boarding its last passengers. As she attempts to climb on the boat, she bumps into this tall guy. He turns and smiles and that my friends was the second event leading to my friends impending downfall. “Val he had perfect white teeth” she claimed, as if that would soften the blow of the fatal ending she was about to give me. I smiled, “who can resist a man with perfect white teeth”, I replied. As if to encourage her that I was on her side. She continued to explain to me that this tall dude with ‘perfect white teeth’ was Philippe, a Latin American senior investment analyst, who worked for the company wishing to invest in her company. They talked all night, she freely admits that she began flirting with him after 2 glasses of champagne. But remains adamant that he started flirting first. Anyway to cut the long story short, they end up in her hotel room (for a chat). Yeah right, like they didn’t finish talking on the boat. She explains to me that when he kissed her she was surprised. Kemi, I retorted, “what did you think he came to do in your room, play scrabble?” She smiles with that knowing smile I have come to know and love. “Val what do you want me to, the guy was hot now”! We both laugh.
So what’s the problem with this scenario you may ask? Well you see on the boat, Philippe had told Kemi that he had a girlfriend. It turns out that this was a big lie. As they continued kissing, Phillipe wanted more. He kept telling her he loved the feel of her skin and that he wanted to do all manner of things to her. Normally, you would expect me to tell Kemi to spare me the gory details. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I like detail. Infact on my CV I always say I have an eye (and an ear) for detail. So I encouraged Kemi to tell me everything. According to Kemi, Phillipe had all the characteristics to be a good lover. He knew where all the spots were and he knew exactly when to be gentle and when to be erm how shall I put this….aggressive. But he had not expected to meet Kemi so he did not have any gloves. And being a somewhat sensible girl Kemi informed him that they could go no further. Anyway they found other ways to amuse themselves and after proceedings they ordered room services and began chatting.
Kemi: So you going to tell your girlfriend about me, she joked
Phillipe: Hahaha off course not. Actually I probably should tell you that I don’t have a girlfriend.
Kemi: Really, so why did you tell me you had one. Where u playing hard to get?
Phillipe: Laughs and kisses her. No its because I’m married….
Hold up, rewind, wait a second….married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WHAT THE HELL!!!!!
“Val I was mad as hell” Kemi says to me. “The only reason I even allowed things to go that far was because he was white. If he was Nigerian we never would have gotten that far in the first place”. Val continues to speak plenty grammar as if to compensate or somehow justify her actions. “Well, Kemi”, I reply after recovering from my initial shock, “you couldn’t have known he was married. At least you didn’t sleep with him. Don’t worry, the guy is mad. So its not only Nigerian men that are useless”…I continue in my vain attempt to help my friend feel better. Little did I know that there was more…..
Kemi continued to explain that she wanted to seem mature about it all. She explained to him that she did not appreciate his lies and that she never would have allowed things to progress so far if she had known that he was married. To which Philippe replies, well if you did all this with me and you knew I had a girlfriend, what’s the difference? WHATTTTT…..men and logic…there is a big difference between girlfriend and wife!!! What a COW!!!
As the investment meetings drew to a close, Kemi and Philippe, in the spirit of maturity or stupidity (you decide) attempted to remain friends. So on the day before Kemi is due to leave they go out for drinks. But my friend Kemi is not wise. After a couple of drinks they end up in her room and this time Philippe has come prepared. And yep, you guessed it….they have sex. According to Kemi it was fantastic. So I guess having a Latin lover does live up expectation.
After the meetings both Kemi and Philippe return to their respective countries. But keep in touch via emails. The only problem is that Phillipe’s wife is a sharp woman and has been going through her husbands emails. So as we Nigerians would but it…kasala don bust!!!! Philippe and his wife are no longer on speaking terms and my friends guilt will not let her sleep……..
So please, what’s your verdict? Is my friend a fornicator or has she gone up one scale to adulterer? What is it about these married men? Why are they becoming so irresistible, regardless of culture? But more importantly, what should Kemi do now? My poor friend feels sooo guilty? Can God ever forgive her? I would love to know your views?
I had a long chat with a close friend yesterday (who we shall call Kemi), and after confiding in her about the mess I’m in with my Ex (Greg) (se blog below for details)she opened up to me about some of her ‘mistakes’. You see, Kemi works for a global investment firm and had recently attended an investors meeting in a foreign country. As part of the meetings proceedings, the investors had arranged a series of events to keep their guests entertained in the evenings. One of which included a night time boat trip and a meal under the stars. This was the beginning of Kemi’s impending downfall.
As a true Nigerian female, Kemi was dressed to kill. She informed me that she spared no expense on the new clothes bought to attend this meeting. According to her ‘Val, you never know where your luck will fall’! Oh yes, and believe me it fell….but perhaps not where she had hopped it would. Maybe I should take sometime now to describe my dear friend Kemi. She is a lovely person and has one of the most amazing smiles I know. Easy going but extremely head strong. I suspect this is one of the qualities responsible for her successful career. Kemi is also someone you would describe as being easy on the eye. As a fair skinned girl with immaculate skin and the eyes of a seductress, she is a head turner in everyway. Despite these fine qualities, Kemi is one of the most unluckiest girls I know. She has a knack for dating the worst men on earth. Her past boyfriends range from cheats and physical abusers, to losers and mamas boys.
So back to the story. She claims that she arrives the boat venue late but looking fantastic (a common Nigerian trait). Luckily, she is not the only one who has arrived late and the boat is still boarding its last passengers. As she attempts to climb on the boat, she bumps into this tall guy. He turns and smiles and that my friends was the second event leading to my friends impending downfall. “Val he had perfect white teeth” she claimed, as if that would soften the blow of the fatal ending she was about to give me. I smiled, “who can resist a man with perfect white teeth”, I replied. As if to encourage her that I was on her side. She continued to explain to me that this tall dude with ‘perfect white teeth’ was Philippe, a Latin American senior investment analyst, who worked for the company wishing to invest in her company. They talked all night, she freely admits that she began flirting with him after 2 glasses of champagne. But remains adamant that he started flirting first. Anyway to cut the long story short, they end up in her hotel room (for a chat). Yeah right, like they didn’t finish talking on the boat. She explains to me that when he kissed her she was surprised. Kemi, I retorted, “what did you think he came to do in your room, play scrabble?” She smiles with that knowing smile I have come to know and love. “Val what do you want me to, the guy was hot now”! We both laugh.
So what’s the problem with this scenario you may ask? Well you see on the boat, Philippe had told Kemi that he had a girlfriend. It turns out that this was a big lie. As they continued kissing, Phillipe wanted more. He kept telling her he loved the feel of her skin and that he wanted to do all manner of things to her. Normally, you would expect me to tell Kemi to spare me the gory details. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I like detail. Infact on my CV I always say I have an eye (and an ear) for detail. So I encouraged Kemi to tell me everything. According to Kemi, Phillipe had all the characteristics to be a good lover. He knew where all the spots were and he knew exactly when to be gentle and when to be erm how shall I put this….aggressive. But he had not expected to meet Kemi so he did not have any gloves. And being a somewhat sensible girl Kemi informed him that they could go no further. Anyway they found other ways to amuse themselves and after proceedings they ordered room services and began chatting.
Kemi: So you going to tell your girlfriend about me, she joked
Phillipe: Hahaha off course not. Actually I probably should tell you that I don’t have a girlfriend.
Kemi: Really, so why did you tell me you had one. Where u playing hard to get?
Phillipe: Laughs and kisses her. No its because I’m married….
Hold up, rewind, wait a second….married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WHAT THE HELL!!!!!
“Val I was mad as hell” Kemi says to me. “The only reason I even allowed things to go that far was because he was white. If he was Nigerian we never would have gotten that far in the first place”. Val continues to speak plenty grammar as if to compensate or somehow justify her actions. “Well, Kemi”, I reply after recovering from my initial shock, “you couldn’t have known he was married. At least you didn’t sleep with him. Don’t worry, the guy is mad. So its not only Nigerian men that are useless”…I continue in my vain attempt to help my friend feel better. Little did I know that there was more…..
Kemi continued to explain that she wanted to seem mature about it all. She explained to him that she did not appreciate his lies and that she never would have allowed things to progress so far if she had known that he was married. To which Philippe replies, well if you did all this with me and you knew I had a girlfriend, what’s the difference? WHATTTTT…..men and logic…there is a big difference between girlfriend and wife!!! What a COW!!!
As the investment meetings drew to a close, Kemi and Philippe, in the spirit of maturity or stupidity (you decide) attempted to remain friends. So on the day before Kemi is due to leave they go out for drinks. But my friend Kemi is not wise. After a couple of drinks they end up in her room and this time Philippe has come prepared. And yep, you guessed it….they have sex. According to Kemi it was fantastic. So I guess having a Latin lover does live up expectation.
After the meetings both Kemi and Philippe return to their respective countries. But keep in touch via emails. The only problem is that Phillipe’s wife is a sharp woman and has been going through her husbands emails. So as we Nigerians would but it…kasala don bust!!!! Philippe and his wife are no longer on speaking terms and my friends guilt will not let her sleep……..
So please, what’s your verdict? Is my friend a fornicator or has she gone up one scale to adulterer? What is it about these married men? Why are they becoming so irresistible, regardless of culture? But more importantly, what should Kemi do now? My poor friend feels sooo guilty? Can God ever forgive her? I would love to know your views?
Thursday 7 August 2008
He has made everything beautiful in its time......
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time.
This is a commonly read bible passage. One that is usually read at funerals or during hard times of life. So today I read it again with difficulty, not because I have lost a loved one but because I’m wondering about my life and its various seasons. You see I started this year with high hopes. I fasted and prayed with the rest of the world as we entered the New Year. I was convinced that this would be my year of completion. I was expectant, happy, hopeful and filled with exuberance. At the beginning of the year, I asked God for three principal requests; The first was for the successful completion of my Studies, the second was for a successful marriage to my long term boyfriend and the third was for healing of a long term health predicament (not life threatening).
So here I am on the 9th of August 2008 and I seem further away from any of these goals than I did at the beginning of the year. By February my ailment had gotten so bad that I had to take a months sick leave from work and university. My parents and all the members of my family were worried about the consequences this would have on my studies. I turned to God and cried out ‘My Lord and my God, were are you’. It was a difficult period. But without doubt God saw me through and I slowly regained my health. By March however cracks in my once rock solid relationship began to surface. Again I cried out to the Lord in fasting and prayer. But by early April my relationship was over. I was devastated. For over two months I was comatose. I cried so much that at one point I though my insides would rupture. I became depressed and suicidal. I literally lost the will to live. How could God punish me like this? I became certain that my past sins had caught up with me. This was my repercussion for all my past errors. This was my cross. I began eating like a fool. I gained over a stone in one month alone. But I didn’t care. I couldn’t read, I couldn’t think and worse still I couldn’t pray. The only time I had peace was when I was asleep. So I began sleeping even more. I continued on this downward spiral until late in May when my faith in Gods ability to help me began to slowly resurface. My university supervisor also became extremely worried and advised that I see a counselor.
Both these events and many others have led to a continued detoriation in my ability to concentrate on my university work. It’s a struggle to even open a book, yet alone write my dissertation.
So by July all of my hopes and dreams were non existent. My once excited and hope filled attitude towards life has now been replaced with self doubt, depression and trepidation. As I said to my mum earlier on this month, so far , this has been the worst year of my life. Don’t get me wrong, in all of this I can see Gods faithfulness. For one, I am still very much alive. My parents are alive and well. And for that I am extremely grateful to God and cannot stop thanking Him. I know others may have had more significant setbacks, but I cannot help but feel that my world as collapsed on my shoulders, literally.
So does the answer to my problems lie in this passage? Is this my time to weep, my time of war, my time to mourn? Does God really have plans to prosper me and not to harm me? How can I believe in this when everything I prayed for remains not only unanswered but also seemingly unachievable? Where and how can I find my faith again?
Did He not say that He will not give me stone when I asked for bread? (big sigh)…… Okay while it seems wrong to ‘question the Almighty’, these are questions I have asked myself over and over again. I cannot help but feel this way….and so I have to ask these questions But when will my time come? When will my time to be happy, my time to laugh and my time for peace arrive? Verse 11 says all things are beautiful in its time….so my Lord, when will my own beautiful time of favour, peace, joy and happiness come???
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time.
This is a commonly read bible passage. One that is usually read at funerals or during hard times of life. So today I read it again with difficulty, not because I have lost a loved one but because I’m wondering about my life and its various seasons. You see I started this year with high hopes. I fasted and prayed with the rest of the world as we entered the New Year. I was convinced that this would be my year of completion. I was expectant, happy, hopeful and filled with exuberance. At the beginning of the year, I asked God for three principal requests; The first was for the successful completion of my Studies, the second was for a successful marriage to my long term boyfriend and the third was for healing of a long term health predicament (not life threatening).
So here I am on the 9th of August 2008 and I seem further away from any of these goals than I did at the beginning of the year. By February my ailment had gotten so bad that I had to take a months sick leave from work and university. My parents and all the members of my family were worried about the consequences this would have on my studies. I turned to God and cried out ‘My Lord and my God, were are you’. It was a difficult period. But without doubt God saw me through and I slowly regained my health. By March however cracks in my once rock solid relationship began to surface. Again I cried out to the Lord in fasting and prayer. But by early April my relationship was over. I was devastated. For over two months I was comatose. I cried so much that at one point I though my insides would rupture. I became depressed and suicidal. I literally lost the will to live. How could God punish me like this? I became certain that my past sins had caught up with me. This was my repercussion for all my past errors. This was my cross. I began eating like a fool. I gained over a stone in one month alone. But I didn’t care. I couldn’t read, I couldn’t think and worse still I couldn’t pray. The only time I had peace was when I was asleep. So I began sleeping even more. I continued on this downward spiral until late in May when my faith in Gods ability to help me began to slowly resurface. My university supervisor also became extremely worried and advised that I see a counselor.
Both these events and many others have led to a continued detoriation in my ability to concentrate on my university work. It’s a struggle to even open a book, yet alone write my dissertation.
So by July all of my hopes and dreams were non existent. My once excited and hope filled attitude towards life has now been replaced with self doubt, depression and trepidation. As I said to my mum earlier on this month, so far , this has been the worst year of my life. Don’t get me wrong, in all of this I can see Gods faithfulness. For one, I am still very much alive. My parents are alive and well. And for that I am extremely grateful to God and cannot stop thanking Him. I know others may have had more significant setbacks, but I cannot help but feel that my world as collapsed on my shoulders, literally.
So does the answer to my problems lie in this passage? Is this my time to weep, my time of war, my time to mourn? Does God really have plans to prosper me and not to harm me? How can I believe in this when everything I prayed for remains not only unanswered but also seemingly unachievable? Where and how can I find my faith again?
Did He not say that He will not give me stone when I asked for bread? (big sigh)…… Okay while it seems wrong to ‘question the Almighty’, these are questions I have asked myself over and over again. I cannot help but feel this way….and so I have to ask these questions But when will my time come? When will my time to be happy, my time to laugh and my time for peace arrive? Verse 11 says all things are beautiful in its time….so my Lord, when will my own beautiful time of favour, peace, joy and happiness come???
Can an ex ever truly be an ex.....
Okay, so two weeks ago I get a call from a withheld number. I roll my eyes....who can this be??? The following conversation ensues:
Me: Hello
Caller: Hi Val...its me Greg (fake name)
Me: (Shocked)...oh hi...
Caller: Sorry u sound busy...did I call at a bad time...
I'm about to tell him yes, but seeing as my number of male callers has been a recurring zero, I decide to lighten up and entertain this conversation. You see, Greg and i were once an item. We broke up after he made it clear that his friends (of the female kind) played a more prominent role in his life than I did. And yeah...after he tried to sleep with a close friend of mine (Amina...another fake name). Till this day he continues to swear on his life that he never attempted to do this. Amina, on the other hand has proved that she is a conniving twat and we have since parted ways. So I guess that is one story that I may never come to the bottom off. Anyway...I digress....the telephone conversation continues....
Me: Oh no, I just got home but its okay...how have you been?
Greg: I'm fine. I'm in London. Came in this morning.....
Me: Oh really..
Greg: Yeah, I’m staying at Hakeem’s house (a mutual friend). I saw some of your pictures on face book...u look real nice...
Me: thanks....how’s Hakeem?...have not seen him in a while….
Greg: He is ok....we should catch up soon.....maybe over a drink...it would be so nice to see you again?
Alarm bells go off in my head, meet up for drinks, catch up???? This guy is nothing short of a bastard, why should I even bother? But reality soon sets in, this will be my first 'drink' with a guy since Dele.....my phone hasn’t exactly been buzzing with guys asking me to go for ‘drinks’. So despite all memories of the past sending me flashing red danger signals......i go.....
The date itself was pleasant. He still looks so good (the devil never looks ugly). We meet at a swanky ‘newish’ bar in central London. He looks fantastic...we talk, we laugh and then we go and watch a movie. Its all nice and sweet and 'friendly'. But then he offers to take me home, i agree. We get to the front of my flat and he comes out of the cab...my stomach muscles tighten.......
Me: okay, so call me when u get home…
Greg: OK. I will. Thanks for agreeing to come out for drinks. It felt so nice to hang out with you.
For some reason that i cant explain now, he closes the gap in between us. I take an awkward step backwards and smile, not wanting him to realise just how uncomfortable i really am.
Me: Yeah. It was a good night..thanks.....
And then it happens.....he places both his hands on my face and kisses me....(goshhhhhhh)....I really want to stop this, i really shouldn’t be doing this, this is not supposed to happen...my brain sends all the signals to my mouth to stop all activities. But my mouth wont....i kiss him back....and the rest is history.....
So my fellow bloggers.....can an ex really be an ex? How do i get out of this mess? Have you been in this position before...any advice??????? PLease help the hunter girl????
Me: Hello
Caller: Hi Val...its me Greg (fake name)
Me: (Shocked)...oh hi...
Caller: Sorry u sound busy...did I call at a bad time...
I'm about to tell him yes, but seeing as my number of male callers has been a recurring zero, I decide to lighten up and entertain this conversation. You see, Greg and i were once an item. We broke up after he made it clear that his friends (of the female kind) played a more prominent role in his life than I did. And yeah...after he tried to sleep with a close friend of mine (Amina...another fake name). Till this day he continues to swear on his life that he never attempted to do this. Amina, on the other hand has proved that she is a conniving twat and we have since parted ways. So I guess that is one story that I may never come to the bottom off. Anyway...I digress....the telephone conversation continues....
Me: Oh no, I just got home but its okay...how have you been?
Greg: I'm fine. I'm in London. Came in this morning.....
Me: Oh really..
Greg: Yeah, I’m staying at Hakeem’s house (a mutual friend). I saw some of your pictures on face book...u look real nice...
Me: thanks....how’s Hakeem?...have not seen him in a while….
Greg: He is ok....we should catch up soon.....maybe over a drink...it would be so nice to see you again?
Alarm bells go off in my head, meet up for drinks, catch up???? This guy is nothing short of a bastard, why should I even bother? But reality soon sets in, this will be my first 'drink' with a guy since Dele.....my phone hasn’t exactly been buzzing with guys asking me to go for ‘drinks’. So despite all memories of the past sending me flashing red danger signals......i go.....
The date itself was pleasant. He still looks so good (the devil never looks ugly). We meet at a swanky ‘newish’ bar in central London. He looks fantastic...we talk, we laugh and then we go and watch a movie. Its all nice and sweet and 'friendly'. But then he offers to take me home, i agree. We get to the front of my flat and he comes out of the cab...my stomach muscles tighten.......
Me: okay, so call me when u get home…
Greg: OK. I will. Thanks for agreeing to come out for drinks. It felt so nice to hang out with you.
For some reason that i cant explain now, he closes the gap in between us. I take an awkward step backwards and smile, not wanting him to realise just how uncomfortable i really am.
Me: Yeah. It was a good night..thanks.....
And then it happens.....he places both his hands on my face and kisses me....(goshhhhhhh)....I really want to stop this, i really shouldn’t be doing this, this is not supposed to happen...my brain sends all the signals to my mouth to stop all activities. But my mouth wont....i kiss him back....and the rest is history.....
So my fellow bloggers.....can an ex really be an ex? How do i get out of this mess? Have you been in this position before...any advice??????? PLease help the hunter girl????
Wednesday 6 August 2008
The month after the month before.....
So here i was five years down the road crying into my already soaked pillow case for the fourth time that day. Thinking how he could do this to me....how could he just leave after all our plans? But now I realise that as much as I wanted to believe, in my heart, that they were 'our' plans, they never meant anything to him. He had led me down 'fantasy lane' only to make a quick exit through Players Avenue. Yeah, I know I’m not the first girl to get dumped and definitely not the last!!! But it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
We had met a few years earlier through a mutual family friend. He was so nice. It wasn’t love at first sight or anything cheesy like that. No, it was something in his voice that held me steady. I really can’t describe it in words. Maybe it was the way he closed his eyes when he laughed or the way he called my name and smiled. Goodness!!! What ever it was, he had my attention from the very first moment I met him and he kept if for the next five years. And as the years went by I fell in love. Not with his physical attributes (although that did play a role), but with the man inside. I loved his name, his passion, his strength both mental and physical and his spirit. He made me happy, not because he bought me things but because he gave me things money couldn’t buy…….contentment. You see when I met Dele, he had nothing. In fact I could have paid his salary from the pocket money my father gave me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that to demean him in anyway. No, I am simply describing what his financial position was in previous years. Because now Dele is very much his own man, he owns his own business, lives in Lekki and is doing very well. All down to his drive and ambition and off course Gods blessings.
Anyway, as the years went on I moved to London to complete my studies while Dele remained in Nigeria. But we continued our relationship regardless of distance. We called each other everyday, sometimes twice or thrice a day. But most importantly we continued to make plans, plans for me to move back home and get a job, plans to get a house, plans to get married, have children and live happily ever after!!! LOL. But these plans soon evaporated. At first it was the suspicious emails he would get from girls saying they loved him. Then they were the long periods of silence and then the ultimate dagger……His father. Apparently, his family did not approve of my family or tribe. I only wish they had mentioned this during the first year of our relationship instead of waiting till half a decade had flown by taking most of my 20ies with it.. This would have made things bit easier!!!!
But what made things even worse was Dele’s preferred method of breaking up. He just stopped calling me. No calls, no emails, no texts. Nothing, zilch, nada, zero…nothing!!! That was hat hurt the most. The fact that he could tell me the week before that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and then suddenly stop. Was it all lies, had I been building castles in the sky all these years or did he really just stop loving me….was I that easy to forget? (Big sigh)…….
So after this extremely long blog……my question is this…..were does a the hunter girl go from here?
We had met a few years earlier through a mutual family friend. He was so nice. It wasn’t love at first sight or anything cheesy like that. No, it was something in his voice that held me steady. I really can’t describe it in words. Maybe it was the way he closed his eyes when he laughed or the way he called my name and smiled. Goodness!!! What ever it was, he had my attention from the very first moment I met him and he kept if for the next five years. And as the years went by I fell in love. Not with his physical attributes (although that did play a role), but with the man inside. I loved his name, his passion, his strength both mental and physical and his spirit. He made me happy, not because he bought me things but because he gave me things money couldn’t buy…….contentment. You see when I met Dele, he had nothing. In fact I could have paid his salary from the pocket money my father gave me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that to demean him in anyway. No, I am simply describing what his financial position was in previous years. Because now Dele is very much his own man, he owns his own business, lives in Lekki and is doing very well. All down to his drive and ambition and off course Gods blessings.
Anyway, as the years went on I moved to London to complete my studies while Dele remained in Nigeria. But we continued our relationship regardless of distance. We called each other everyday, sometimes twice or thrice a day. But most importantly we continued to make plans, plans for me to move back home and get a job, plans to get a house, plans to get married, have children and live happily ever after!!! LOL. But these plans soon evaporated. At first it was the suspicious emails he would get from girls saying they loved him. Then they were the long periods of silence and then the ultimate dagger……His father. Apparently, his family did not approve of my family or tribe. I only wish they had mentioned this during the first year of our relationship instead of waiting till half a decade had flown by taking most of my 20ies with it.. This would have made things bit easier!!!!
But what made things even worse was Dele’s preferred method of breaking up. He just stopped calling me. No calls, no emails, no texts. Nothing, zilch, nada, zero…nothing!!! That was hat hurt the most. The fact that he could tell me the week before that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and then suddenly stop. Was it all lies, had I been building castles in the sky all these years or did he really just stop loving me….was I that easy to forget? (Big sigh)…….
So after this extremely long blog……my question is this…..were does a the hunter girl go from here?
C'est la vie ("That's Life")
Hi, My Name is Valerie.
I started this blog after a series of life changing events altered my perception of what I thought life was all about. Even now, I still feel somewhat confused about my life in general and where it’s going. So instead of throwing a pity party or keeping a misery journal, I’ve decided to throw caution to the wind and be open about my life and all it holds. The good, bad and the ugly.....so here's promising u loads of fun, laughter, tough times, tears and a hopefully a few jokes along the road in this journey called life....... C'est la vie.
To all my fellow city girls (and boys!) out there instead of complaining about the different aspects of our lives (men, money, parents, job, diamonds!!!) Lets.....'Seize the Day'...."Carpe Diem" ....
Hope to hear from u all soon....
I started this blog after a series of life changing events altered my perception of what I thought life was all about. Even now, I still feel somewhat confused about my life in general and where it’s going. So instead of throwing a pity party or keeping a misery journal, I’ve decided to throw caution to the wind and be open about my life and all it holds. The good, bad and the ugly.....so here's promising u loads of fun, laughter, tough times, tears and a hopefully a few jokes along the road in this journey called life....... C'est la vie.
To all my fellow city girls (and boys!) out there instead of complaining about the different aspects of our lives (men, money, parents, job, diamonds!!!) Lets.....'Seize the Day'...."Carpe Diem" ....
Hope to hear from u all soon....
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