Wednesday, 10 September 2008


This is part two of my last post…5 more to go…enjoy!!!!

STORY 2: So called best friends and your man!!!

I am sure everyone has heard this one before. This is one story we girls hear and think no wayyyyy… least that was what I thought when my cousin gave me this jist last Saturday. I nearly passed out!

In my quest to find stories about men who had remained faithful I started asking around, hoping to find many examples to ‘prove’ that there is still hope out there, if for no one else …well at least for me!!!

So back to the story….

Yinka and Nike are childhood friends. Their paternal grandparents were neighbours in the village and therefore this friendship is one which has survived 3 generations. However like most friendships, there are ups and downs…..but the downs never lasted long. They are like sisters, always in each others pockets…in fact back in university there was some jist going round that they were ‘lesbians’. But we all put it down to the fact that people were jealous of their friendship. So now that I have set the background, I’m sure your mind is racing…so what went wrong? Who messed up? ……sit tight and enjoy…..

You see back in university, Yinka was dating one of the top 5 hottest guys in university ever (well at least to me sha!!!). The dude was tasty….infact if the guy was not my cousin…I too would have dabbled in some..erm erm…okay okay back to the jist. Nike on the other hand was single and remained single for the 4 years I knew her in university. Well, she always claimed to be dating some guy in Ibadan but he was never around. Birthdays, valentines….even when Nike’s mum sadly passed on….the dude was ‘missing’. But we always pleasantly asked after the dude, Nike how is that your Ibadan dude? I would ask anytime I saw her sitting on her own reading…..He is fine…..she would reply almost instantly. Nike was the quieter of the two. She kept to herself and only looked up from her books to talk to Yinka. Infact we often teased that she carried a picture of her ‘Ibadan boyfriend’ in her books. So what’s the problem with that….???...again I say…calm down ..all would be revealed shortly!!!

We all finished university and went on with our lives and if not for the advent of facebook I would never have known were they where. It was only last week that Yinka added me as a friend on facebook that in my excitement I sent her a message asking how she was, what she had been up too and how Nike was. She replied filling me in on the past 6 years of her life…..but never mentioning Nike. At first I thought it was strange but I assumed she was just over excited and forgot. It was only when I started looking for Nike’s details on her friends page that I realised she wasn’t there. Again I assumed that Nike had probably not joined face book. So being the silly child that I am, I sent Yinka a message on her wall….”Abeg Yinka tell Nike to join facebook quickly…she needs to get with the 21st century!!!”… reply came. I thought nothing more about it. Until Saturday, when I was talking to my cousin (the same one who had dated Yinka). And that is when he delivered the bomb shell!!!

Apparently Nike had a tendency of sleeping with Yinka’s men…(yes, including my foolish cousin!!!). Right from secondary school, Nike had either kissed or done the down right dirty with all of Yinka’s men and poor Yinka had no idea... But fate soon caught up with the w@&%$e…..excuse my French…but I am slightly pissed at the babe!!!

Yinka finally met the guy she called the ‘one’ and Nike began plotting her schemes. She would send the guy emails and texts saying what a nice guy she thought he was blah blah blah. Apparently the guy was flattered and mentioned to Yinka how Nike was such a nice friend and would be good for his brother!!! Unfortunately, Nike had other plans. She started turning up unannounced at the guys office, calling him….and generally became a nuisance! The guy decided that enough was enough and spoke to Yinka. As you can imagine, Yinka defended Nike till blood came out of her veins!!! Nike is the best friend I’ve ever had, she is my sister, she always gets close to my boyfriends to make sure they are good for me….etc etc…She shouted…So the guy kept his cool.

Nike continued her exploits but soon got upset that the guy was not responding to her advances. So she took things to another level. She sent the guy her underwear…..yes you read it right…she sent him some red panties!!!!!!! E gba miiiii!!!! Some girls sha….SO what does my guy do? He sends her a text asking what she wants…she responds saying him!!!. He sends her another text saying ‘but you are best friends Yinka…we can’t do that to her’….she replies….’you wont be the first neither will you be the last’. So he calls her and they plan to meet at a hotel. So the guy being a MAN calls Yinka but keeps quiet about the discussion with Nike. Instead he takes her to the same hotel room with Nike who by now is wearing close to nothing and has her legs spread open on the hotel bed!!! much for a 3rd generation friendship!!!!!

Some men can remain calm under fire…..even when they come shaped in red panties!!!

Tuesday, 9 September 2008


Okay, so after my last post (Are all men bastards or is it just me?)…I’ve come under a lot of harsh criticism…names like man hater, man repellent e.t.c have come up. Some of my friends have even gone as far as claiming at that I’m tuning into a “bitter woman”…now that one left a scar. You see one thing I begged God for when I broke up with my ex, was not too be bitter. I didn’t want to hate him or be jealous of any successful relationship around me. But then over the weekend, I had a long chat with some of my close male friends…..Val, your being too picky…Val your tuning into a bad girl…Val I never imagined you would say that, Val you need to start being happy for people, Val you need to stop being Jealous…and then it came…VAL YOUR TUNING INTO A BITTER WOMAN!!!. Now….that pierced through my soul…..

Me, Val bitter? As soon as he said it, he realised he shouldn’t have and apologised. But it was too late, the damage had already been done, my scathed flesh had already been exposed. I laughed, trying to cover up for the tears that were threatening to fall from the corner of my eyes. As I walked home (in the rain), I began to think…am I really becoming bitter? Have I become a man hater? I searched within myself and with every passing thought, I became more aware of the answer…..but refused to admit it to myself. So I came home and read some of my previous posts….and slowly…..I said the words…yes val…that which you once feared, is now what you have become!...Even now I cant bring myself to write the words…so I’ll let you fill in the blanks…………..

So in a desperate bid to correct this trend….I want to dedicate this week to discussing people in happy relationships….men who have been faithful, men who have been good to the women in their lives, men who have remained MEN in every sense of the word!!! You see, maybe somewhere in all of life’s ups and downs…..I have become too cynical. This is dangerous because you don’t expect any good out of life. You begin to expect people to cheat on you, people to disappoint and abandon you. And what you expect because the inevitable!!....Noone…not even ‘bitter Val’……(yes I finally said it) wants that. I want to be happy and like many women out there…I TOO DESERVE HAPPINESS.!!!!

So here goes….I have been speaking to many friends and I have collected 7 stories which I will share each day….please feel free to drop a line or share your story..….

Story 1: The contentious issue of religion…

This is one story that resonates with me, especially since one of the reasons for splitting with my ex was because his father was opposed to our relationship…but I digress…

Dotun and Bayo (fake names for obvious reasons!!)…had been dating for 7 years. At first their parents saw it as a something that would ‘wash away with age’ seeing as they had started dating during A levels. But when Dotun finished her masters and was still seeing Bayo, alarm bells started ringing in her fathers ears. ‘You better find yourself a nice Muslim man’ he would shout whenever Bayo phoned or came to the house. Dotun also faced similar grief anytime she visited Bayo at home. So when will you start coming to church with us? Bayo’s mum would ask her continuously. Bayo’s mum even went as far as telling her that she was destined to hell if she did not repent and accept Jesus!!! Now I am a Christian and I firmly place my belief in Christ….but surely there is a better method for conversion (please let us not debate this here….).

Anyhoo to cut a long story short Dotun’s parents shipped her to Nigeria and placed her under house arrest, she was not allowed to visit anyone without her fathers driver (who would give a time and place account of any visits she made) and the phone in her room was removed. Now although Dotun had been working in London, she was not the saving kind and she was about to start NYSC in Nigeria, thus let us just say money was not her friend!..So what does Bayo do????

He starts sending Dotun money so she gets a new mobile phone (which her parents had seized) and instructs his brother to send her 5,000 naira credit a week. Every three months the dude was in Nigeria. They would meet in Dotun’s friends house and spend much needed time together. After a year of playing hide and seek, God blessed Bayo with a better paying job and he got his UK residency sorted out. The dude moved out his parents house and bought a 2 bed flat in south east London. He flew to Nigeria and goes on one knee….!!!

Lets take a step back…Dotun on the other hand has just finished NYSC, her parents have no idea that she has still been seeing Bayo and are beginning to think that their plans have been working. They begin to set her up with a young man from an extremely prominent Muslim family. Dotun’s friends and siblings advice her to forget about Bayo, that it will never work etc….But the babe remains faithful….So naturally she is over joyed at the proposal and accepts. They decide to do the right thing and tell their parents. I will leave to your imagination the various abuses and threats that were made by Dotun’s father. But I can tell you that Bayo’s mum spoke to almost every pastor alive about her sons choice in a mate and remained convinced that someone had put a curse on her son!.....prayer, fasting…deliverance would not shake this relationship!!! After 6 months of talking to their parents, Bayo bought a one way ticket for his wife to be and they got married. Needless to say that they were both disowned…..

Now fast forward five years to 2008. Dotun and Bayo are married with 2 girls. All has been forgotten as the parents of both Dotun and Bayo are in London to celebrate the one year birthday of their latest grand child, a day which also coincides with the couples anniversary. So to commemorate the occasion, Dotun and Bayo decide to renew their vows in the presence of their parents. Never has a wedding brought so many tears….even Dotun’s father cried and for the first time in the presence of all embraced Bayo and called him ‘my son’!!! During the toast, Dotun’s father said the following,

‘I can now die in peace knowing that my daughter has married a man who will be there for her even where I have failed’…..


Wednesday, 3 September 2008


Okay so everyone who has read my previous blogs knows I am trying to mend my broken heart and all the drama that has brought. But you know how they say misery loves company? Well its true… my sadness, I have consulted friends for advice, but it seems like a magnet I have been drawn to my girlfriends who have similar dare I say even worse fates….

Example one....Nkechi & Facebook

A close friend of mine who recently broke up with an ex…started getting close to some guy she met thru a friend on facebook (Did I hear u say ‘doomed from the start’??)
It all starts fairly nicely…they are both Igbo, similar backgrounds, they talk for hours on end on the phone e.t.c. Infact one day they spoke from 1am-4am…..some people have too much free minutes!!!!

So where did it begin to go wrong? One day they are having their usual telephone marathons and the following conversation ensues

Nkechi: Na wah oh, you have been on facebook for such a long time today…don’t you have work

Facebook guy: are you trying to tell me that I am jobless?

Nkechi: Well, I’m just saying that you’ve been on for a long time and for a guy your age (the guy is 35) you should be doing other things….she jokes

Facebook Guy: Laughs…okay madam tell me what guys my age do?

Nkechi: Work, spend time with their families or girlfriends….

Facebook Guy: I see my children regularly…

Nkechi laughs. You see up to this point they had been talking for over 3 weeks. No mention of children, wife, or even girlfriend sef….

Facebook guy: Why are you laughing? Don’t you believe that I see my children?

Nkechi starts getting worried. Children ke? She replies. You never mentioned you had a wife talkless of kids. It turns out the guy has 2 kids from the same woman, one is 10 and the other 1. Imagine the Punk! He begins to explain that he is not married to the woman…even though they have done traditional wedding!!! But He cannot marry her because she is not submissive!!! Can you imagine this joker??? Somebody please slap him for me!!! Anyhoo you would be pleased to know that Nkechi has deleted him from her facebook page and no longer has any more to do with him. (Resist the devil and he will flee!!!)

Example 2: My friend Kemi and her ex

You guys remember my friend Kemi from my former post fornicator or adulterer you decide? Well, she has been having an on and off again relationship with her ex. He keeps blowing her hot and cold. One minute he crops up claiming undying love for her, the other he disappears and blames work. So a couple of months ago he cropped up. But Kemi would not budge. He was on her case, buying her flowers, perfume, cake, even volunteered to send her to Dubai! Even though Kemi knew she was still inlove with this dude, she was hesitant.

So I advised her to give the guy a call, sit him down put her cards on the table. If he is interested then they move on together and if he isn’t then she moves on alone (good advice abi? Or so I thought…typical example of the blind leading the blind!!!!). Well, Kemi sends him this email, explaining how she feels. She explains that she is too old to keep on going on like that and that if he wants something serious then he should let her know but if not they should just remain friends. His reply is straight to the point…he wants to meet her to discuss, he believes they can make things work. Kemi is excited. Two days before he is due to come and see her, an old friend of Kemi calls her to ask if she heard that her ex (the guy) is getting married. Kemi faints…literally. After recovering, she decides not to say anything to the guy. She waits for his visit. He never comes. Kemi falls sick and she is admitted into hospital (true story!!!). 2days later, with drips coming out of every surface of her body, Kemi receives a text from him saying work got in the way and that they should meet the next day. She calls him in tears, asking him why he is such a bastard. He says he can explain…….he got married on Saturday. Kemi’s father has sent her to South Africa on holiday.

Example 3: I will marry you on your birthday

My friend’s younger sister (Uche) who is in medical school in Nigeria had been seeing this guy for over 4 years. They had been planning on getting married on her birthday in December. They guy is an architect and has a three bedroom house. Uche helped furnish this house and has her own set of keys. Bottom line, they are already married (in Uche’s head). All that’s left is to sign on the dotted line….

On that faithful day Uche goes for the wedding of a close friend. After the wedding she decides to surprise her fiancé who was too busy with work and couldn’t make it to the wedding. She gets to the house but the guys car isn’t there. Luckily she has her own keys, she puts it into the keyhole but they don’t work. She realizes that someone must be in the house and has put the keys in the keyhole on the other side of the door. She assumes it’s her fiancés younger brother who visits from time to time. She begins banging on the door, brother Chidi, brother Chidi…please open the door!

All of a sudden a girl opens the door. Hi, can I help you? She smiles assuming its one of those small girls that Chidi normally carries about. Hello, she replies. I tried to open the door with my keys but couldn’t get in. My name is Uche, Emeka’s girlfriend. She explains to the girl as she pushes past her to enter the house. In her mind she wonders why the girl is wearing Emeka’s shirt that she bought for him last week. She makes a mental note to warn Chidi about giving his brother cloths to his girlfriends. She makes her way to the master bedroom. She turns back and realizes the girl is following her with a curious look on her face. She smiles at the girl and shows her, her keys. Don’t worry she says. You don’t have to follow me. She opens the bedroom door and makes her way to the wardrobe to get a change of cloths. The girl is still on her heels. Haba this one pass my power, she hisses. Wetin dey do this small pikin! Why are you still following me she snapps? Why wont I follow you the girl snapps back? You are in my fiancés house. I have every right to follow you!


Your what? You can’t be serious, are you mad? Uche is confused. This girl must have lost her mind. This house that she furnished, she looks at her engagement ring on her finger and laughs. She concludes that the girl must be stupid. She decides she will not pay the small rat any attention….she is not worth it…when Emeka comes back he will send her packing. The ‘other’ girl must have thought the same thing. Because she too keeps quiet and waits for Emeka’s return.

2 hours later….. The idiot strolls into the house…baby, baby where are you? He enters his bedroom to find both his ‘fiancées’ waiting for him. He is shocked. The look on his face confirms Uche’s worst fears. Emeka who is this? Asks the other girl, I said who is this? She demands. Uche looks at him, willing him to say this is my fiancé. But he doesn’t . All he can muster is ‘I can explain’!!!

It turns out that the other girl was Chichi. She had been schooling abroad. The flat was an engagement gift to both of them from her father. Emeka works as an architect in her fathers company. No prizes for guessing who he is marring then? One clue…Chichi’s birthday is in October? hmmmm. On a positive note…. Uche has passed her medical exams!!!

So I have many many more examples…but this blog is tooooo long!!! So I must stop here. Are there any good guys out there? Where are you please? Is there anyone out there in a flourishing relationship? Let me know…because I am losing hope!!!!!

I’M BACK!!!!

Hello my lovies!!!!

Sorry I know I have been MIA for over 2 weeks now…..My last blog was real sad…thanks for all your wonderful comments!!! I guess I needed time to sort my self out before I jumped off a bridge!!!

I went back to my roots…to my maker….my father…my friend. So many issues, so many questions, failures and frustrations. So I took a week of from life…fasted and prayed….and then my answer came…..

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11.

It came loud and clear. God confirmed this verse in my heart 3 times and in 3 different ways. So I know now, that although times are hard, God has always been by my side. I just have to weather it thru with His grace and strength!!!!

Thank you all for all your loving supportive comments!!!! Meant so much…..

So I’m back for good my darlings!!!! Back in this muddle called life!!!!!


Saturday, 16 August 2008

My reflections part 1: Fighting for my life

So they say that misery loves company. The news of Dele’s ‘new girlfriend’ has cost me so much sleep. I lay awake, my mind running and racing, my thoughts straying to the promises we made to each other and the last time I saw him. How we danced without any music and he whispered in my ears that this was for ever. How we kissed for hours never wanting to stop even to breathe. So I lay in bed with these thoughts torturing me over and over again. Sleep eluding me, my mind on over drive and my body longing for him.

Finally I realise that sleep will not come. So I decide at 2am to find some distraction on MSN. I find two of my long term male friends. They too can’t sleep and are searching for distractions. The first has just lost his mother (his best friend) and the second’s girlfriend had just broken up their engagement. We chat about loosing loved ones, the difficulty in finding ‘the one’, and a host of other sad drama.

Still sleep does not come. Its 4am. I decide music may help to ease the tension welling up in my chest. I am wrong. I search endlessly for a song to ease this pain. There is none. I search again for a song that my accurately describe what I feel. Again my search does not yield any accurate results. All lyrics are filled with empty words, words lacking in feeling, words lacking in depth yet filled with clichés of love lost. This is not what I need. And finally I remember a Kirk Franklin album I’d been downloading a while ago. THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE.

It is here that my soul finds its answers. It is in this album I realise that I am literally fighting for my life. You see there are many things that have plagued me this year. My health, my relationship, my studies, my mother, my finances and my future. Never has the saying ‘life is not a bed of roses’ held such meaning. I listen to Declaration (this is), the first track on Kirk’s album. The second verse echos in my head….

“I look back now, I look at how you tried to break me
To take my life, my peace of mind and drive me crazy
My self esteem, my dreams, my destiny
So, God allowed it, because He knew He had big plans for me”

and then Kirk declares…

“I speak against everything that comes to destroy the purpose in your life
Worrying about your finances, your future, when you can't even sleep at night
I speak against depression and fear, every attack from the enemy
This is your day, the Lord made it baby! God has set you free!”

I begin to cry…….i feel weak, lost, beaten and forsaken. I realise that I’m not the only one lost in this thing called life. Its hard but no one told me it would be easy. I remember that God had warned me about this time. I remember how I would dream about my room being on fire, how I would dream about a mighty flood but in both circumstances I escape unharmed. I remember how I dreamt about being in a plane which was about to crash….but didn’t. I know this is my breaking process, I know I have to be patient, I know …but I’m in pain and impatient. I can’t take this anymore, the hurt, the loneliness, the disappointments. I have lost my purpose and self esteem, I have lost my will to fight, i am like a wounded lieutenant, lost and trapped on enemy territory. And with these thoughts…….i awake the next morning……

To be continued….

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Tears and more tears

So I learnt today that my ex (Dele) has a girlfriend. Never has a wound cut so deep. I cried so much. Why is life so unfair? Why does God remain silent in my case? The fact that we broke up in April after almost five years and before August he has found someone new. While I am still here licking my wounds. Now all that I prayed for, all that I longed for is in the arms of another. Kia, this hurts me soooo much. I cant even be botherd to write this out well. I spoke to my mother and she was telling me how I should pray…but I cant. God has continued to ignore me. He has continued to remain blind when it comes to me. I know my sins are many, but the silence has become too much. I have prayed, I have fasted, I have done all that I know I should do, yet my situation remains the same.

How can Dele so quickly replace me? How? After all the struggles together, now someone else will reap were I have sown patiently. Now I am forced to start over. My hands are wet from cleaning my tears. I have cried so much this year, too much. I am fed up. Will this wound ever heal? Can someone please tell me what I can do to stop this pain?

Saturday, 9 August 2008

Comedian Bernie Mac dies at 50......

OK, i know this is my second blog of the day but this is serious....
Bernie Mac "Actor/comedian Bernie Mac passed away this morning from complications due to pneumonia in a Chicago area hospital," his publicist, Danica Smith, said in a statement from Los Angeles."

The comedian suffered from sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease that produces tiny lumps of cells in the body's organs, but had said the condition went into remission in 2005. He recently was hospitalized and treated for pneumonia, which his publicist said was not related to the disease.

Mac was born Bernard Jeffrey McCullough on Oct. 5, 1957, in Chicago. He grew up on the city's South Side, living with his mother and grandparents. His grandfather was the deacon of a Baptist church.

He worked his way to Hollywood success from an impoverished upbringing on Chicago's South Side. He began doing standup as a child, and his film career started with a small role as a club doorman in the Damon Wayans comedy "Mo' Money" in 1992. In 1996, he appeared in the Spike Lee drama "Get on the Bus."

He also appeared in hollywood blockbuster Oceans eleven, Guess who, Bad Santa, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle and Transformers not to mention his highly sucessful comedy show the Bernie Mac show.

Adieu Bernie. RIP.....May God grant his family, peace and grace to bear this loss.